Now over time me and the Charis-manic branch of Christianity had to go our separate ways due to irreconcilable differences (long story) and I kinda forgot about it until this week when this book featured in the excellent Prodigal Witch series over on Swallowing the Camel which you should totally read if you have any interest in the "former Satanist" phenomenon because it's awesome. The blog that is, not the phenomenon.
Anyhoo, back to the good part. As you can probably judge just by looking at the cover, "He came to set the captives free" introduces you to a darker and far more exciting version of Christianity. Basically it takes normal, everyday, boring old Pentecostal Christianity and then strips out all the boring shit and then streamlines it into something sexier! Don't worry, just because they threw out a lot doesn't mean they don't replace it with a ton of totally awesome extras! When the dust settles you'll find that you got yourself some real old time religion. I mean really, really old time religion. Like a thousand odd years or so old.
I'll quickly get the boring part out of the way so I can tell you the juicy stuff. Here is what happens in the book: As a baby, little Elaine's soul gets sold to Satan by some evil nurses. She grows up with lots of occult talent and then gets forcibly drafted into full blown Satanism at a religious camp a popular classmate tricked her into attending. She takes to satanism like a duck to orange glaze and quickly rises through the ranks to eventually become the Bride of Satan. That's not just a title either, she actually has a physical church wedding with Satan complete with honeymoon (Spoiler alert - the Prince of Darkness is a terrible lover!). She has many awesome magical adventures in Satanism fighting against the forces of God until she runs into the right kind of Christian - Dr Rebecca Brown MD! She then learns that Christianity is actually far more awesome, converts and has lots of magical adventures in Christianity fighting against the forces of Satan! Now doesn't that just sound better than anything YOU have ever done in church? Welcome to the wild world of Curse Theology!
|It's like this but where one wizard ♥ Satan and the other one is way into Jesus. Can you guess which one is which?|
Forget everything you know, this is not your daddy's theology! This is Christianity times awesome squared! Let me break it down for you:
In the one corner we have your opponent, the demons. You know how in the Bible possessed people are drooling, epileptic lunatics and how whenever Jesus or one of His followers told the demons to leave they just packed up and went? Snoozeville, amarite?! Well good news, turns out Jesus was holding out on you and in fact demons are awesome. Turns out you can use intelligent demons to make yourself smarter or instead use lesser demons to enhance your physical abilities. In the book for instance, Elaine uses demon power to become a deadly martial arts master! Hold on to your hat though, because those are just the entry level demons! Turns out demons can also enable you to do incredible magic - and I mean real magic, not lame David Blaine in a box magic - feats for both personal entertainment and practical self defense! But wait there's more! Are you sitting down? Do you think werewolves are cool? Of course you do! Werewolves are awesome! You know what is more awesome? The fact that according to Rebecca Brown, demons can turn you into a real flesh and fur werewolf! Also vampires but I feel Twilight made them lame so I'm not even going to bring that up. Also these motherfucking demons don't just get out of the motherfucking person they're possessing just because you asked nice. Oh no, these mofo's are going to put up a fight! Hope you're ready!
Interested? How could you not be? All that usual Christian stuff about loving your neighbour like yourself and forgiving those who trespass against you and caring for the smelly homeless people is hard work and it's neither sexy nor cool. On the other hand, having a theology that bears an uncanny resemblance to magic is super exciting and not that hard at all! Let's face it, your life lacks excitement, your job doesn't seem that important and no one in your family appreciates you. All of that changes when you get to be a front line warrior in the secret war between heaven and hell! You can finally silence that annoying feeling that maybe you're a loser! OK no one is going to appreciate you more and your job and life will still be meaningless and insignificant but deep down you will know that you are actually as cool as you always dreamed you could be! Humility is for chumps, why not be a (secret) hero instead? Curse theology, demons and the like is sooo sexy! If you add some dirty sexy demonology to your life you can be sexy too!!
[Disclaimer: Dirty Sexy Demonology only makes you feel sexy, doesn't actually make you sexy or cool. Embracing Curse Theology and the teachings Satanic Panic teachings of Rebecca Browne and her ilk may instead lead to excess loneliness and friends and family spurning you for being "annoying as fuck" or "a chore to be around" (their words, not mine). Don't worry, you don't need friends when you have delusions of spiritual grandeur and a sense of smug superiority! The more people you drive away the more God loves you! ]